Who I met when I took Ayahuasca, pt. 4
It’s been at least two hours! I’m trying to be zen & accepting of the situation, but I would really like something to happen about now.
“Be patient. Something special is going to be part of your experience soon,” there’s a calm inner voice basically chiding me to chill out. Do I listen? Yes, tell me more.
“You’re going to need another half cup for this to work,” the voice in my heart tells me.
When I ask Mathéo if it’s time for a top-up to see if we can get things rolling, he is hesitant. We need to wait & trust. We do just that for another 30 minutes. It’s getting dark. I toss & turn on the mattress, sitting for awhile, then lying down for a bit, finally Mathéo says it’s okay to have another half cup. Bingo!
This is exactly what is supposed to happen. An exceptional promise awaits. I can feel it. The same faint yellow spiral from last night appears, but I sense my journey is to somewhere different entirely.
I lie down and watch my movie screen. This movie comes with commentary, though. Everything I see, I wonder what it is & immediately an answer comes to me. If only we could problem solve this easily when in default brain mode!
“What you are looking at is potentiality. You are viewing raw energy in a sea of possibilities. That’s why you think you can see something, but when you look, you can’t quite see anything. The energy is shifting, showing you its millions of possibilities in the form of various patterns. Depending on what outside forces interact with these potentials, the seeded outcome could look very different.”
“Okay, interesting. It’s quite complex, but in this state I feel as though I can understand everything I reflect upon. What a joy!”
“Well,” I say to the voice, “I did come here to find out my life’s purpose & the meaning of life, so can we go talk to God, please? The suspense is killing me.”
Silence.
The voice is not going to do whatever I say just yet.
There is an interesting rhythmic note I’m hearing to a beat. Now the voice speaks.
“These are frequencies. All matter is energy at different frequencies. You’re looking at the ‘backstage’ of matter.”
But I don’t just hear the notes, I see them. Whaaat…?? How?!
Did you know you can see musical notes? Yes, I saw them when journeying with Mama Ayahuasca.
But I don’t just hear & see them. I feel them too. Whaaat…?? How?! It’s like I’m a guitar string. I feel like I am inside the notes themselves.
There’s more to see, but I’m scared. I get the impression that to continue on the journey, I need to discard my sense of self. Is this what people mean when they refer to “ego death”? It seems the ego is like a kind of cloak that must be removed to enter the room I wish to visit.
What a haunting feeling, that to journey to the space of everything, I need to let go & become nothing. I can feel myself teetering on the brink of either letting go, dissolving into the formless observer for the purpose of this expedition or cowering back to the comfort & safety of my known reality.
I am here. I am gone.
I am here. I am gone.
I am here. I am gone.
Back & forth. The feeling of being here & then nowhere & then everywhere.
How can we be so sure of our comfort-zone reality being the only true & right one when states of consciousness like this even exist??! This proves we simply can’t be sure of the things we think we know. Whatever experience we are able to render on a daily basis in order to partake of some kind of shared reality with those around us, we are also capable of rendering or experiencing whole other worlds through the same machinery, the same brain, body, consciousness. What is up with that?
Still feeling the strange vertigo of being & dissolving, I’m ready to make my choice. Finally, I let go. I fade away….I’m melting like ice. I am here. I am gone.
