The Divine Comedy
Bright, cheery and full of zest. Marianne sat before me sharing her experiences. Why did I feel as though I was staring my past in the face? How mysterious. I felt like I could see every marker of my journey in her eyes. It was transcendent.
This new acquaintance was telling me a story I had heard before. She was currently living out my own story from many years ago. It was as if the same drama was written twice by the same author without enough of a pallet cleanser for them to improvise just a little bit more.
I recognised the common accents of the storyline. The same key themes were presenting. But maybe…there was no actual writer. Instead there was a set of classic universal screenplays to partake in.
We’ve all heard of the Hero’s Journey and archetypes. But allow me to describe the narrative through my own lens. Inadequacy, shame, boundarilessness, all under the guise of confidence, assertiveness and kindness. That was the storybook I had picked up. Let me have a go. What does that feel like?
If someone was not showing up for me in the way I needed, I would bottle it up and make excuses for them in my head. But inside, I was needy af. On the outside, I was “under control”. What a joke. Remember that was confidence, right? “I don’t need them.” Distraction. Numbing. Social media. Seeing friends as a distraction rather than just to see friends.
What a weird and bizarre existence I look back on. That’s how I recognized Marianne’s denial when I saw it. It’s akin to the excuse of the battered woman. He hit me, but it was because of what I said. I just need to do better and everything will be okay.
Where did this come from? Maybe some of us know that if you didn’t have your needs met as a child, you would draw in people to repeat this drama because it’s what you subconsciously think safety looks like. But knowing about this wound doesn’t equate to healing it.
I have a close person in my life who drove everyone away due to their pain. And it wasn’t even their fault. When you see someone in so much imbalance & pain that they become hopelessly addicted to the bottle or drugs, it really is a low, confronting picture. What’s worse is if you know why, at least partly. And they know why, FULLY. Yet, in spite of the knowing. There is the stuckness, like dried earth, cracked, sun-baked, fixed around a withered corpse of what was once a life-giving nurturing tree.
Knowing why is only 10% of the battle. The rest of it is what you do with it. At first, I ran away from someone who verbally abused me. Learning, growing. Then I said goodbye to a dying dream with someone who lied to me for four years. Still learning, growing. I gave up on someone who didn’t know how to love themselves. Still learning, growing. I easily walked from someone who was unsure of most things in life, mostly us. Still learning, growing.
Then I found myself alone. But this time it was different. This time, I wasn’t searching, hoping. Telling myself the one was “out there”. This time, there was no The One. There was me. And when I searched my heart. I knew, “I am enough. Always was. Always will be.”
When I saw Marianne clinging, sad and hurt by what he did. How he didn’t show up for her, how she blamed him…all that resentment. I wanted to scream. Marianne! You didn’t show up for you. You blamed you. There are no other characters in the story. It always was and forever will be you. You. You. You.
“You deserve someone who sees you,” I put my hand on her arm and looked deep into her eyes. She didn’t know it yet, but she was going to be okay. I know it took me nearly 15 years to discover the power of non-attachment, that it was the cure to thriving in the human experience.
Ram Dass once said something to the effect of, “You can have the whole Universe when there is no more you to have it.” The Buddhists say, “All clinging results in pain.” Christians teach you to clean your heart of pride and desire, looking to the Divine. I say, “I lived. I learned. I triumphed.—And the conquest was me.” Which book shall I pick next?
