Who I met when I took Ayahuasca, pt. 2
Mathéo pours & mixes one dark, bitter, thick liquid with another & then pours 40mls of this freshly mixed, holy concoction into a coconut shell. This will be my vehicle cup. I drink. Restlessly, I pass the time. Two hours go by. I have met neither demons nor angels. I’m pretty darn sick to my stomach, though. Good thing I knew about this part.
Toughing it out, I toss & turn under my sheets, waiting for the light or any kind of sign about existence & revelation on the true nature of reality. I swear I’d seen glimpses of beyond the veil last year. Things happened that made me seek out answers. Will I see more truth or be lost in my own shadows & confusion?
I vomit. They say this means you are purging energetic or physical baggage that it is necessary for you to let go of. Darn better be. It feels pretty rotten. Whatever it is, I accept it. Let it be. I’m already here, so I’m running with it.
The good news is, this means Mathéo is ready to offer me more. I receive another half cup with thanks. Another hour. No experience has begun. The tension. The nerves. I see a faint yellow spiral, but that’s all. “I guess Mother Ayahuasca doesn’t want to see me tonight,” I tell myself.
“Let’s leave it at that & call it a night,” I say to Mathéo. He agrees. It’s now somewhere between 11pm & after midnight. I’ve given it a go. If it doesn’t happen, what am I going to do?
Now the voices of doubt in my head begin.
“Mother Ayahuasca never called you.”
“You’re not on some spiritual journey being summoned by the Divine at a critical point in your life. You’re just a desperate lunatic, clinging for more to life because you’re unhappy with what you’ve got. Why weren’t you just more thankful?”
“Who were you trying to kid? You’re not the spiritual type. God doesn’t speak to you, even if you do ingest a spiritual plant connected with all kinds of esoteric and wonderful experiences, that doesn’t mean you get to experience that too! Save that sort of thing for the Shamans & prophets.”
Shoo. Shush. I quiet the voices & pull my sheets over my head. If I don’t keep out the voices, I just might keep out the mosquitos. My eyes are shut, but my heart is still open with a nearly wishful hope.
The hope is a wee flicker, but it’s still there. It’s a flickering little candlelight in a sea of nay-saying deflation… … I relax. I let go. Then I feel her. She’s here.
Gentle Mother. Kind & warm guide. She’s not here with Earth-shattering truths & revelations. Let’s get the basics right first. She’s just here to say hello. She eases me into her world.—So I’ll come back.
How marvelous! I can hear her speaking in my heart. Who knew?! Her speech becomes my knowing. How else to describe it? She shares with me secrets, jokes. Some of these I understand. Some are too deep. I just lie there, basking in a higher knowing that my mind can’t quite get at.
It’s so peaceful here. I am a simple child, like I never knew anything my whole life, like I was into so many things for so many years, but they weren’t the half of what I needed to understand to do life right, because we—humanity—have our understanding back-to-front.
We chase illusions & we burry ourselves in someone else’s dreams or expectations. We lose our power. Here was a gentle & yet amazing message for me, “All the power you need is inside you. You never lost it. You only forgot. You need to learn to tune into your body, tune into the moment, ground yourself in your own inner wisdom.”
I smile. I chuckle to myself. I nearly laugh out loud. I feel high but I don’t crash. This is better than coffee! There is understanding, wisdom, openness, faith in myself, hope, peace. What a beautiful sacred medicine. I can hardly believe it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I still have a million questions for you. I promise to come back. See you tomorrow.
