Who I met when I took Ayahuasca, pt. 6

*Trigger warning sUiCiDe

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“Take me to Him!” I demanded again.

“Alright. Calm down. That’s where we’re going anyway.”

Who did I want to meet? God, of course. Whose God? God of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Hinduism…Does it matter? What would you call It? The Thing? The Unspeakable?

I basically wanted to convene with Ultimate Source. What It gets called or how people treat It in the realm of culture, concept, dogma & tradition is not my concern. I just needed to be There.

It didn’t matter if this “Thing” was a code, the Unified Theory of Everything hidden in a chamber of the universe, a thing smaller than a quark, the centre of a black hole, the 12th dimension, the Higgs Field or what-have-you. I just needed to go there, wherever that was, whatever that was. I didn’t want to; I needed to. It was time.

Reminding nicely this time, “I would like to meet the Most High.”

“Yes, you will.”

I breathed a sigh of relief & submitted to the process. Melting, drifting, I was a formless, floating observer, going to meet—or should I say, observe—the Un-nameable Thing.

My mind bent with the changing frequency. As the pitch increased, it felt as though I was being pressed narrower with it. But I had no form & I was no one, so how could I sense that I was being pressed? No idea.

I was floating higher & higher, and yet there was no up or down. At the same time, somehow I was going up. None of this makes sense in “concept-land”. I was adventuring in a plane of experience completely outside of the reliable norms provided by the default mode network of my brain.

What’s a default mode network? It’s a documented web of established function in the brain. It’s what we’re used to & how we normally cognize, reason, deduce, judge, understand, decide. It’s our mind’s normal.

Normal sounds great. Peaceful. Comforting. My childhood wasn’t exactly normal. It was unique & exotic.

I was born in Hong Kong, spent my childhood in Australia, then from 1996, I spent the next 17 years in various cities in China, not trying to fit in, & definitely not fitting in.

“Don’t talk to her. She’s really cold & stuck up.”

“Yeah, she thinks she’s better than everyone.”

These were the whispers of gossip that came back to me off the end of the rumour mill when I was just 14. I was shy, introverted, extremely stuck in my head, & desperate for attention. I would almost freeze entirely when the thought of approaching someone to start a conversation would present.

“If I say that, then they’ll say this. What will they think of me though?”

“It’s been too long now. I’ve missed my chance. I can’t talk to them anymore.”

“If only people would like me, talk to me. I need more friends. I wish I were popular.”

What was it going to take for me to come out of my shell of insecurity? Also, why the heck was I so desperate? And when did I become obsessed with boys? Who was going to unpack all this psychology? Not a 14-year-old, I’ll tell you that.

Maybe a 14-year-old cries in her room at night in confusion. Maybe a 14-year-old grovels for friends & attention. Maybe a 14-year-old feels incredibly depressed & lost but pretends she’s fine. Maybe a 14-year-old doesn’t know how to make friends because she can only think of herself.

Maybe a 14-year-old thinks her family doesn’t love her. Maybe a 14-year-old can’t see eye-to-eye with her mother. Maybe a 14-year-old is angry that her father isn’t there for her because he’s always out working, never home, always somewhere else. Maybe a 14-year-old wants to take her own life.

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The journey pushed me. I felt as though I were becoming narrower & narrower. The frequency higher. The sound louder. The pitch climbing. Squeezing. Ringing. There was almost nowhere for me to go. Maybe that’s where we were going.—Nowhere.

“How long is this going to go on for?” I asked the now comforting & familiar voice.

“What do you think?”

I paused. Then, suddenly, I understood what I needed to without words. At the same time, the voice explained it all, “Forever.”

It’s the “Most High”, therefore it, by definition, has no end. It goes on, & on, & on.

Once I understood this we were there. What? How does that even follow?

Oh. My. God. We were in eternity.