Who I met when I took Ayahuasca, pt. 7

*Trigger warning sUiCiDe

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Here we are. I have returned to Divine Source. I am One with the Unity Consciousness. There is no way for me to use words on this plane to describe the indescribable. We were simply there. End of story.

But wouldn’t that get boring? And there is no you, no body, no food, no fun…Wouldn’t it be better to come back to Earth? When you were there you didn’t think like that. You didn’t think at all. It was clear, open peace.

As I danced in Eternity, the Eternal Commentator held me. I felt such love, such completion. It seemed so simple & pure that I couldn’t believe it. Tears began streaming down my face. This whole time I thought I was separate from the Universe but I never was??!! I was always light, One with God, but I just forgot??—And even while I was busy forgetting, I was still not separate?

“Yes, child. We have always been the same thing.”

The deepest stuck pains, childhood wounds, fears & feelings of being abandoned, loneliness all decoupled from somewhere seemingly hiding in the bottomless pit of my soul.

I could feel entrenched “issues” being torn up from inside the pit of my stomach. I was getting rid of childhood trauma through the process of the medicine. As the pain arose, I felt it again. I had to feel it again for it to leave me.

The emotional pain was so intense that I began screaming. Up came rage. Out went my sadness. Gone was my anger. One by one, the stuck emotions bubbled up like unleashed pockets of air leaving the bottom of the sea.

“You were here the whole time?!”

“Yes, child.”

“I was raised in religion that taught we had steps to take to get back to the Divine.”

“Where could you go from Me? You are a part of Me.”

The realization presented as a deep knowing that is beyond language to do it any justice. I’ve always been perfect as I am? I’ve been searching for something to make myself feel whole, better, complete, all my life. I’ve been seeking approval & withholding it endlessly from myself.

“You mean I am Love?—I am a part of Love? I am all I have been seeking??”

More hot tears flowing, I roared out in the pain of every foolish pursuit spanning my entire life to date. Happiness, love, contentment was hiding in plain sight, yet without the proper vision, there would be no way for me to see or make sense of this truth.

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“Remember when I was a teenager & I thought I couldn’t take it anymore?”

My sister and I had just had the worst physical fight from hell. Over a Walkman! No one even wants those anymore. I’ll bet half the kids these days don’t even know what they are. And we trashed the house for one.

You can only take so much suffocation before you start to panic. This was more than a decade before I would discover the concept of spaciousness, that we can create our own space to breathe in & this gives us strength to manage life. The me of long ago was an angry, insecure youth. Life was unfair of course. I couldn’t stand anyone.

Now my sister. She was the kool kat, getting all the boys, the best clothes & funnest outings. She gave me her Walkman almost out of pity for me, & now she was taking it back. Not fair! Not happening.

The fight got out of control. We broke furniture. The house was a mess. We seriously caused physical harm to one another. And that was enough!

I slammed the apartment door as hard as I could & ran to the 11th floor of our apartment building. One opening was the door to the building roof.—Locked. The other opening was the open sky. I could jump. It would all be over. No more anger. No more feeling trapped.

How crazy was it that as I leaned over the edge of that balcony, my fear of being damned to an eternity in Hell for taking my life when it “belonged to God” was what stopped me? I can’t run from this only to end up in a lake of fire. That’s dumb.

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I was angry because I didn’t have a proper family. Dad was never home. We were homeschooled for years & I didn’t have any friends. When I grew up & started dating, I just kept finding men like my father.—Unavailable. Wasn’t all of that unfair?

“Now you know the truth.”

“What truth?”

“You are the One. You create your own reality. So you can write a different story.”

The tentacles of hidden pain, fear & self-loathing had been cast out. I was a soft, newborn baby in the strong arms of the Universe.

“When I go back down there. Do you promise to always be with me?”

“Child, I never left. You imagined all separation, but there is nothing that can keep you separate from Me. There is no religion or set of rules that dictates how it goes. You do. If you just choose, you can always be a part of Divine Source.”

“I think I would really like that. Can we be a team?”

Eternity laughed. I guess for all my understanding, it was still a struggle to wrap my processing around this whole message.

“Yes, we’ll be a team,” came the reply. The Universe was meeting me on my level, “And you’ll be different when you go back, because I have healed your Father-Wound.”

Wow! My insecurity about family, love, attachment…In one fell swoop, morphed into total peace, acceptance & contentment. I knew I would never be the same.