Who I met when I took Ayahuasca, pt. 9

“It will take you many months to integrate the changes,” experienced Ayahuasca-takers told me. “It took me three months to realise what exactly had happened.—And the resulting life changes can take longer!” Everyone had a different opinion or different advice. Everyone knew more than me and felt obligated to tell me what to do.

Am I different or am I the same? I kept asking myself the question. There is no denying that I experienced a blissful state of intense love, instruction, guidance and freedom. By trying to put into words what happened to me, it almost feels as though human language diminishes everything that it was. Maybe some things are better left unexplained.

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My father would pass away suddenly, only four months after my experience with meeting Source. Dad, we had such a complicated relationship and history. I think it’s natural to take for granted those closest to you. Growing up, I felt that dad was always busy doing something else, that he didn’t have enough time for me or family.

He was very good at charity work, helping others and networking with countless people. In his heart there was goodness but many impossible tasks. There were projects that got greater and greater, that were too big for one person. Dad’s reply to this was, “Go big or go home!” Was there a challenge? He was there.

He was Superman with the world’s longest cape. Poverty and lack could be solved with a strong will, determination and a desire to achieve. His charity projects expanded & eventually went international. He loved it!

But then this meant he’d often be away from home. Sometimes I was angry. Sometimes I forgot he was part of our family. Though he never meant to hurt. He was human. No one person is fully aware of how everyone connected to them is left feeling due to their actions. He was pursuing service & kindness, the best he knew how. At the end of the day, each one of us try our best and somewhere, somehow, we will fail to live up to someone’s imagined ideals. My ideals as a child were too high for Dad to reach.

In his late years, Dad changed. He settled into life on a farm where his favourite place was his greenhouse and the garden. He was still doing charity work, but he was more settled. He also made such a great effort to see all his kids, even though we lived a day’s drive away. Sometimes, he called just to talk, with no agenda at all. He came to birthdays and even to my second graduation which took place after many years of part-time study as I worked full time. That was a proud moment. He was radiant.

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When I was busy floating on cloud nine with Source and infinite wisdom, I was told that my true “Father” lived in Heaven. It wasn’t a Biblical Father or a Biblical Heaven. It had nothing to do with religion, concepts or gender. It was simply that all of my expectations as a child growing up would never be met by any human being. Perfection existed only in the unspoken, unmanifested realms. In other words, no everyday person would be perfect. This was the truth.

If it wouldn’t be one complaint, it would be another. A father could do everything right and a daughter with a tainted view could carry a grudge her whole life. Who would that impact the most? The one carrying the grudge. Living in a world of unmet expectations is the prison of the expectant.

Here was a message coming from my own inner wisdom to let it go, to see with love and forgiveness, to view another with the same graciousness I would hope for with roles reversed.

I’m so thankful that Ayahuasca unlocked my inner compassion for myself, my family and yes, my Dad. Everyone was trying their best. Everyone just wanted to be happy and they deserved the spaciousness that allowed breathing room for all.

When you left, Dad, I was sad to say goodbye, but I was glad we got to a better place before our paths diverged. With the profound understanding I received, I learned a lesson on expectations versus love. Love always wins. I set the bar higher than anyone could reach. I focused on what I didn’t have. But what I would give for you to come back into our lives for just one day. My childhood was right. Everything that happened was right & meant to be. You taught me lessons, even in your absence. And when my learning was complete, the Universe healed my wounds.

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Looking back at my description of meeting Mother and Father Ayahuasca, it certainly doesn’t seem to do the experience any justice at all. And the more I look back, peering into the darkness of my fragmented memories, the less I can make out coherently at all, the sequence of events of that experience. It’s like they were a secret trove of treasures to be cherished in an ethereal realm—not even meant to be discussed in realms below—whose benefits are meant to quietly support the state of the being on Earth, without acknowledgement or praise. Healing was brought to me in a vial of jungle medicine. Now my job is simply to be healed. To be that better person, to serve humanity with my new wholeness and love.

There is no mistake in my mind that a very real and personal experience took place. There is no mistake that I have changed in a way that can never be undone. And to me, there is no mistake that these changes have been a massive improvement on who I used to be and how I used to experience life internally.

So what are the tangible changes that occurred which I can be sure of? How did the experience make me better? Seemingly overnight, my anxious attachment in relationships disappeared. Immediately dissipated my desire to have another half complete myself or the feeling of being inadequate without someone else. Gone was that sense of missing out, missing something, needing more or feeling dissatisfied. And no more was the feeling of not being enough without working hard to prove myself, achieve and demonstrate some kind of outer show of success as defined by society.

What if I don’t want what everyone else wants? What if I just wanted to be free? This was the biggest change. I met myself. I was now free.